So...

Well hot damn it's been forever since I posted one of these.

Have you ever had one of those weeks where something really big happened and it just derailed your entire life? Yea... that was my last week. ha. Monday the 19th was on of the worst days of my existence. It was a really terrible day, and I had to continue dealing with it all week. I am still continuing to deal with it, seeing as it's not something that will better itself, or what not on it's own. I am all mixed up emotionally, and am angry with a different person each day. Never know who it's going to be until the day unfolds.... but yea there is pretty much always someone I am angry with everyday.

The whole bit about finding myself... shit.. I'm still lost, and it FUCKING sucks. I quit working out like a week or so ago... because it was fucking cold outside and I was hiding inside from the shitty weather.... excuses I know. My ass is jiggly again.. haha .. and my belly is back to bulging. Tonight at dinner my Grandfather asked me if I was pregnant. He is sick, has Alzheimers... but still. I need to start working out.. I need to get a job.. I need to get better grades in school. You know what happened to the old me? The me that pleased everyone, the me that was perfect at everything she did, the me that could light up a room without even trying, the me who's entire family looked up to her, the me who believed that the world was exciting.

The issue that I am dealing with is my parents marriage... it's over? Or not... IDK they like to tell everyone that it's over and then recant that statement and change their minds, like all the time. But what really sucks is when one parent says it's over and the other is willing to do everything they can to save it. The odd part is the one willing to do anything is the one who hasn't really been present the entire marriage. So... I have an older brother and an older sister... and they have always looked up to me because I have always been the dependable, responsible one... and NOW tonight... I get a text basically saying that he thinks their problems are partially MY fault?! WTF! Are you kidding me?!

I like how everyone thinks that I enjoy sitting around my bedroom all day doing NOTHING. I hate that I don't have a job, and I hate that I play a fucking video game more then I do anything else in live, and I hate that I never leave the house... EVER, and I hate that the only human contact I get is my fucked up family. I would give anything to have a part time job with real people, and I would give anything to get out of the house once a day, and I would LOVE to do things, visit places... but you know what? I am kinda lost right now. Everyone just keeps yelling at me, and blaming things on me, and calling me lazy and shit. But does anyone stop to ask me if I'm ok? Does anyone stop to wonder that maybe the kid who's been working since she was 17 (full time) and been going to school for 4 ½ years now, is LOST or BURNT OUT, or maybe she’s just fucking insane? I mean really. Thanks for making me feel like more crap then I already make myself feel like, REALLY I mean I don't beat myself up all day and night over what a fucking waste of life I am lately. But seriously... I have been an adult my entire life, and I have ben responsible my entire life, and idk... idk what's wrong with me... but fuck. I guess I am having a midlife crisis at 23? IDK!

So right now... what I am doing everyday.... I wake up... I play some second life... I watch some TV shows online (ABC- Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, Desperate Housewives, Brothers and Sisters, Eli Stone, Samantha Who: CW- One Tree Hill, Gossip Girl, 90210)... I pick up my little brother from the buss stop... I do some homework... I play some more second life until ungodly hours and then pass the fuck out. I suppose I should be applying for jobs in there, but every time I go to do it... I just don't. There is no reason. I go to the website... open the app... and then just DON'T! I understand that I need too, and know that I want to... but I just don't. I have no idea why. Idk what's wrong with me. For once I would like someone to be my shrink, rather then me being everyone else’s god damn shrink.

I thin that life might be better if I had friends here, but it's a new state and I don't have any. I need an old friend to come and get me outta my crazy... but oh wait! I don't even talk to any of them any more. No one calls, no one texts, no one sends messages on myspace or whatever... for all most of them know I could be dead. ha.

Anyways... this is all just a bunch of ramblings on and on.. but I needed to get shit off my chest. Till next time...

Kelli