Sigh

My life fucking sucks. It’s not too much to ask for… is it? Affirmation of love? I am sorry that I have had a million and a half broken promises made in my life time, and that means that I need people to actually show me, and follow through. I am sorrrrrry that I am fucked up, but I kinda think you signed on for that one.

i used to have someone i could talk to about everything. that i could talk to about the inner workings of my head… they would help me out, and make things better… or at least try. now i just get told “your fine”. oh ok.. why didn't i think of that. THANKS! i guess I'm fine! nothing to worry about.

fucking ugh. now… i scream and no one hears me.

 

thend.

Ouch… headache go AWAY!

Ugh. Today is totally one of those days. But really what day recently hasn’t been? I have no officially had a KILLER headache for 3 days straight. It is really enjoyable. If it is a brain tumor… could it just kill me already? Thanks.

We are trying to get approved for this 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom duplex down the road. It is decent on the inside… but it’s small! It’s like 900 sqft! For… mom, David, 90lbs chocolate lab  Dakota, Chihuahua/dachshund Lucy, and kitty cat Tiger. Cramped! Sharing a room with bro man wont be too much fun, but hey… at least we will have a roof! I can’t complain, and I’m  not really… it will save us about 500$ a month… and that's AWESOME.

You know it irritates me beyond belief that mom is hounding me daily about how I need to get out there and start looking for a job… well hello Nancy, I am doing the exact same things you are to find a job… if it isn’t good enough for me, then it isn’t good enough for you! If I need to get off my ass, then so do you dear mother, so stop fucking complaining and lead my example. Thanks.

David is still doing awesome in school. I am so proud of him. He comes home everyday telling us how much he loves his teacher, and he loves school. That’s NEVER happened before. I am so happy that he’s doing ok. I am so proud of him.

I need a vacation. Yea… I know people always laugh at me when I say that… what do you need a vacation from you do nothing everyday… yea well that doing nothing is taking its toll. I just need to get away from mom and David for awhile… I just need to take a break and get my head back on correctly. I just need to go somewhere, and think, and pull myself back together.

I feel SO lost. I feel like I am watching everyone live their life, and I am just an observer. I feel… like I have so much potential, if I would just do something about it. I wish I had someone… could definitely use those hugs and kisses right now.

This blog is so damn depressing…I know… and hopefully one day soon I will be able to start filling it with stuff other than my fucking crying. Soon…

THEND

Blah

Have you ever been so bored with life that you just never want to wake up, because you KNOW that nothing worth happening will happen…

I could really use a sugar daddy. Someone to take care of me financially, so I can just focus on school… because honestly I’m ready to buckle down and get this freaking degree! I am looking into changing my major… from Psychology to English. I think I would enjoy it a lot more, and it would actually be a bit more useful to me. Plus I think I would feel less stupid in an easier major.

David is doing good in school this year. I think this might be his break out year. His teacher is really something special, I like him a lot. David also has a new best friend this year, Sarah. I like her a lot. She is pretty much apart of the family, she is over here almost everyday.

I keep feeling like I’m a waste. I hate myself on a daily basis. I really do not like this feeling. bleh.

I am lonely. Maybe that's another reason why I never want to wake up… not so lonely in my dreams!

Ok this is just sad. lol. I am done  complaining.

THEND

Update

Well… it has been awhile since I have written a blog… lol. I haven’t started going to church, but I have been thinking a lot about all of that, and I have even been preying in my own way. I think that’s better than nothing.

 

I have officially lost about 25 lbs since January. I am not quite sure how, I haven’t been working out or doing anything special really.. but that is still good. I feel more comfortable and more confident in my own skin, and that's all that matters.

 

I have gotten mostly all of my school stuff taken care of, I am just waiting for my two grades form CityU to be added to the transcript so I can order the final, official transcript from them for USF. I got instate tuition which is amazing! That means my classes won’t be a SHITTON for one class! woot. I am really excited to get back to a campus, but really nervous at the same time, as it gets closer and closer to the start.

 

I still am living the life of the unemployed, and it bites… but there isn’t much I can do. I have been picking up some babysitting job’s every now and again and that has been nice. The money is pretty decent, I just wish it was a bit more consistent.

 

I totally dropped my phone in the pool last week, and since then I have been using the ancient ass phone from 2004… and it makes me really sad. lol. I am up for my new every two thingy and I can get the new Motorola Rival in Purple for 30$! So that’s cool, when I get that 30$ I shall get that phone! haha.

 

I finally got my car registered in the state of Florida, I am an official resident… after a year! Amazing! haha

 

JB and I were doing awesome… and guess who fucked it up.. yet again. ME! But this time is was really, really bad. I don’t know if he will ever be able to forgive me, but I hope he can. I hope that we can get back to where we were, I hope that we will make it. I don’t know what I would do without him. He’s got some stuff going on there in Bama, and I want nothing more than to be there with him, helping him through it all… and I go and do this stupid shit, so I can’t be there… he doesn’t want me there… and I get that, I probably wouldn’t want me there either right now. I don’t know who that person was that did those things, because it sure wasn’t me… I don’t cheat… ever. WTF is wrong with me, that I would do that to the one man that I love more than anyone?! How could I have done that stuff. seriously. I just hope he knows how truly sorry I am, and how much I truly care for him.

 

Ok well I guess that’s all for now… not much is going on. Just figured I would update the good ol’ blog for anyone that reads it.. or cares… or whatever. lol.

 

THEND

Church/Religion

So this week in my Humanities class... Intro to World Lit... we are reading a bunch of different stories from different times and different cultures, all of them are about creation. God/God's and how the world and everything on it were created. Cool... except I've never had any formal training on religion... like ever. I have run into this problem more then once, and I have always said that I wanted to get some formal knowledge about religion... but I think it's time. I really want to be able to keep up and know what the heck everyone is talking about when they are talking about God and Jesus and everything like that. I really feel stupid sometimes when people are talking about religion, or when they are talking about holidays and stuff. I don't know what any of the holidays are for... other then gifts and family bonding. I feel like I missed out on a huge education experience growing up, and being at the age that I am (and wanting children before I die) I want to get some knowledge under my belt. I decided a few years back that I would take my future children to church starting at an early age, so that they would grow up in said church and feel comfortable there and actually want to learn there. This being said, it would be a good idea if I actually have a church that I felt comfortable in... I mean if I want my children to learn there I should at least believe it, right? I don't want to force my future children into a religion though, I am very adamant on everyone having their own beliefs and their own systems of faith, I just want to supply them with a formal background training. That way they are making their own theories up with some knowledge, and unlike me aren't just basing everything on how they feel. So... I am on a search... for the perfect church for me. I am looking for something that isn't going to make me feel like a hypocrite... I am for gay rights... I am up in the air on abortions, I am mainly Pro-Life but I do think that in some circumstances (rape, incest, medical issues) that for some people abortions are ok... I am not so kean on the bible being black and white (meaning like everything the bible says is a MUST)... I don't really know how I feel about the bible I've never read it, maybe I should. lol. I am just at a point in my life where I think maybe I could use a little faith in a higher power... so... I am on a hunt for the perfect church. Wish me luck!

THEND

2009 sucks.

Uhm... wow. So much for blogging in 2009. lol. I think it's because my life completely went to shit that I stopped. Well... since the last blog... husband and dog moved back to AZ (getting a divorce when we can afford it)... mom lost her job... dad was in jail, now rehab, maybe prison?... we lost a dog (today omg lucy come homeeeee!).... and i have a boyfriend!? EEK! I haven't been dieting or exercising really, but I have already lost about 15 lbs this year. so that's good. I need to eat healthier though, I am sick ALL the time. like once a month I am dying. poop.

soo... Chris and bailey moved back to the good ol Arizona. they are making their way back to a normal life... and i am here.. trying to make my way back to a normal life. i miss my chicken nugget soo much it hurts sometimes (bailey).

the car dealership mom worked at was bought out and they got rid of like everyone. sooo two weeks shes been without a job..

dad drama EXPLODED.... i called the cops.. they completely went WAY overboard and pressed the totally wrong charges... i called the cops to save him form hurting himself... but they charged him with aggravated assault with a fire arm and domestic abuse. wtf. bah. at least now hes in rehab and hopefully getting himself back on track.

my mother is a retard... our chihuahua/dachshund Lucy likes to run away when you let her out. well mom let her out this morning and she bolted.. and we haven't seen her in almost 12 hours! OMG! LUCY COME HOMEEEE! My little brother is really upset.

David is having issues in school because of our sucky ass 2009.. and now lucy is gone... hes going to die. lol

Shaun and Alison were here with Landen and their possible twins (in her belly)! I enjoyed that we don't get to hang out a lot and Landen is freakin hilarious. lol.

I failed one of my classes... sweeeet. 1,600$ wasted. yay. but I passed the other class with the highest grade I've had in awhile! so that's good? lol

Boyfriend!? John... Jb.. Jeebs... many more.. haha. That sounds like I'm dating a million people, it's all one person and he makes my heart flutter. I haven't met him yet but I pretty much couldn't live without him. He helps me function through the days. I want to slap him sometimes... and jump him (hehe)... but I always love him.

Ok... that's an update... just because the last one I posted wasn't up to date at ALLLLLLL. lol. lata.

So...

Well hot damn it's been forever since I posted one of these.

Have you ever had one of those weeks where something really big happened and it just derailed your entire life? Yea... that was my last week. ha. Monday the 19th was on of the worst days of my existence. It was a really terrible day, and I had to continue dealing with it all week. I am still continuing to deal with it, seeing as it's not something that will better itself, or what not on it's own. I am all mixed up emotionally, and am angry with a different person each day. Never know who it's going to be until the day unfolds.... but yea there is pretty much always someone I am angry with everyday.

The whole bit about finding myself... shit.. I'm still lost, and it FUCKING sucks. I quit working out like a week or so ago... because it was fucking cold outside and I was hiding inside from the shitty weather.... excuses I know. My ass is jiggly again.. haha .. and my belly is back to bulging. Tonight at dinner my Grandfather asked me if I was pregnant. He is sick, has Alzheimers... but still. I need to start working out.. I need to get a job.. I need to get better grades in school. You know what happened to the old me? The me that pleased everyone, the me that was perfect at everything she did, the me that could light up a room without even trying, the me who's entire family looked up to her, the me who believed that the world was exciting.

The issue that I am dealing with is my parents marriage... it's over? Or not... IDK they like to tell everyone that it's over and then recant that statement and change their minds, like all the time. But what really sucks is when one parent says it's over and the other is willing to do everything they can to save it. The odd part is the one willing to do anything is the one who hasn't really been present the entire marriage. So... I have an older brother and an older sister... and they have always looked up to me because I have always been the dependable, responsible one... and NOW tonight... I get a text basically saying that he thinks their problems are partially MY fault?! WTF! Are you kidding me?!

I like how everyone thinks that I enjoy sitting around my bedroom all day doing NOTHING. I hate that I don't have a job, and I hate that I play a fucking video game more then I do anything else in live, and I hate that I never leave the house... EVER, and I hate that the only human contact I get is my fucked up family. I would give anything to have a part time job with real people, and I would give anything to get out of the house once a day, and I would LOVE to do things, visit places... but you know what? I am kinda lost right now. Everyone just keeps yelling at me, and blaming things on me, and calling me lazy and shit. But does anyone stop to ask me if I'm ok? Does anyone stop to wonder that maybe the kid who's been working since she was 17 (full time) and been going to school for 4 ½ years now, is LOST or BURNT OUT, or maybe she’s just fucking insane? I mean really. Thanks for making me feel like more crap then I already make myself feel like, REALLY I mean I don't beat myself up all day and night over what a fucking waste of life I am lately. But seriously... I have been an adult my entire life, and I have ben responsible my entire life, and idk... idk what's wrong with me... but fuck. I guess I am having a midlife crisis at 23? IDK!

So right now... what I am doing everyday.... I wake up... I play some second life... I watch some TV shows online (ABC- Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, Desperate Housewives, Brothers and Sisters, Eli Stone, Samantha Who: CW- One Tree Hill, Gossip Girl, 90210)... I pick up my little brother from the buss stop... I do some homework... I play some more second life until ungodly hours and then pass the fuck out. I suppose I should be applying for jobs in there, but every time I go to do it... I just don't. There is no reason. I go to the website... open the app... and then just DON'T! I understand that I need too, and know that I want to... but I just don't. I have no idea why. Idk what's wrong with me. For once I would like someone to be my shrink, rather then me being everyone else’s god damn shrink.

I thin that life might be better if I had friends here, but it's a new state and I don't have any. I need an old friend to come and get me outta my crazy... but oh wait! I don't even talk to any of them any more. No one calls, no one texts, no one sends messages on myspace or whatever... for all most of them know I could be dead. ha.

Anyways... this is all just a bunch of ramblings on and on.. but I needed to get shit off my chest. Till next time...

Kelli